"The market" may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night. I woke up every hour and cried

"The first Law of Economics": The only thing more dangerous than an economist is an amateur economist.

"The second Law of Economics": The only thing more dangerous than an amateur economist is a professional economist!

There are primarily 3 different types of investors:

1) Those who don't know anything.

2) Those who know a little and

3) Those who don't realize they don't know anything!

"If you" can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars!

The best way of "saving money" is to forget who you borrowed it from.

"COMPETITIVE SALARY:" We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:" We have no time to train you you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.

"NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:" Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.

"IMMEDIATE OPENING:" The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.

"SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:" We're not going to supply you with leads there's no base salary you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.

"SELF-MOTIVATED:" Management won't answer questions.

"WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS:" After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay.

"PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS:" After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave, we'll give you a 5 percent matching contribution.

" SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE:"...who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:" We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

"COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:" We have a lot of turnover.

"EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT:" Guys in gray suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.

"JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM:" We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.

"FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT:" Your coworkers will be insulted if you don't drink with them.

"A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT:" We booze it up at company parties

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:" You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:" If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:" Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"SALARY RANGE $24k-$32k:" We'll offer you $22k to start.

"A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION:" You'll give boring speeches on your own time.

"FLEXIBLE HOURS:" Work 40 hours get paid for 25.

"COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:" Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:" You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:" You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:" Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do.

"I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE:" As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.

"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:" I carry a Day-Timer

"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:" The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.

"I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS:" I've been accused of sexual harassment.

"THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION: " Wait! Don't throw me away!

"I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:" Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me "for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career".

POCKET MONEY BITES

I went to the bank and went over my savings. I found out I have all the money that I'll ever need. .. .

If I die tomorrow.
--Henny Youngman

My girlfriend's father died of throat trouble. . . . They hung him. He used to work in a bank. But no matter how much the boss likes you, if you work in a bank you can't bring home samples.
--Eddie Cantor

Children are stupid. That's why they're in school. I'd lecture for an hour about percentages and interest rates and at the end I'd ask one simple question, "You put ten grand in a bank for one year at 5 percent and what do you get?" Some kid would always yell out, "A toaster."

One rule which woe betides the banker who fails to heed it . . . Never lend any money to anybody unless they don't need it.
--Ogden Nash

Regard your voice as capital in the bank. . . . Sing on your interest and your voice will last.
--Lauritz Melchior

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
--Johnny Carson

If you'd lose a troublesome visitor, lend him money.
--Ben Franklin

He's got a wonderful head for money. There's this long slit on the top.
--David Frost

The safest way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.
--Kin Hubbard

Where large sums of money are concerned, it is advisable to trust nobody.
--Agatha Christie

Always live within your income, even if you have to borrow money to do so.
--Josh Billings

If you would know the value of money, go and try to borrow some.
--Benjamin Franklin

To borrow money, big money, you have to wear your hair in a certain way, walk in a certain way, and have about you an air of solemnity and majesty--something like the atmosphere of a Gothic cathedral.
--Stephen Leacock

Never ask of money spent
Where the spender thinks it went.
Nobody was ever meant
To remember or invent
What he did with every cent.
--Robert Frost

The best way to keep money in perspective is to have some.
--Louis Rukeyser

The great rule is not to talk about money with people who have much more or much less than you.
--Katharine Whitehorn

Money can't buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.
--Spike Milligan

Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
--Bill Vaughan

To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.
--George Bernard Shaw

It's no trick to make a lot of money, if all you want to do is make a lot of money.
--Everett Sloane

I spend money with reckless abandon. Last month I blew five thousand dollars at a reincarnation seminar. I got to thinking, what the hell, you only live once.
--Ronnie Shakes